Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses. You build up a whole armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life... You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' or 'how very perceptive' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. Nothing should be able to do that. Especially not love. I hate love.
I've put a wall around me because I am afraid. I am afraid to look weak. Because I am. Because I easily get attached. And that person can easily put down all my defenses. Because that person could easily destroy the walls I worked so hard to build. I could get lost...
Ay nako wala akong panahon sa mga taong mashadong insecure sa mga sarili nila. Buti sana if you're worth my time and energy. We're not even on the same level (IN ANY WAY) so quit trying to push the wrong buttons. Wala kang mapapala sakin low level bitch! GAAAAAAAAWWWWDDDD!!!!
he is my self-inflicted pain, my preposterous diversion, my momentary bliss, my blameworthy experience, my poisonous religion, he is my annoyance, and yet he remains to be... my only happiness. : : I still long for those feelings of contentedness and pure bliss, yet feel the antagonism of pure agony. A good friend once said that letting go of someone is not letting go of the feelings that you have for that person but accepting the fact that that person can never be yours. There will come a time wherein sooner or later, we need to stop wishing for that someone not because you are no longer inlove, but because you know that that someone will be better off without you but with her... If this is the case, I guess it is time to finally let go of him. I must say goodbye one last time. Never to the love I have for him, but to the longings of wanting him in my life. Part of me still longs to hold on; to keep on fighting. But now I realize that this is the part wherein there is nothing more I can do but to smile and be happy for him, even if his happiness means my absence.
.... It's nice that we did some catching up but I really don't like the idea of us talking and feeling close. It's nice that we're sort of friends but frankly I'd rather not have you in my life . It weirds me out na nagtatanong ka at nagpapakwento ng kung ano ano... I don't want anything to do with you so please, let's keep it that way.
..... Sinabi ko nang di ako pwedeng sumali sa swimming competition dahil wala ako. Talagang chineck pa nila ang schedule ng flights sa NWA para lang masigurado na umaga talaga ko aalis. Hanep. Kanina last resort. Gusto nila akong gawing trainer na lang ng swimming team... Ako?! Trainer?! Patawa ba sila?! Sa totoo lang anung alam ko sa swimming?! Marunong lang ako at abot kaya kong tatapusin ang sprint pero heller?! Di nga ko marnong mag butterfly eh. Patawa ba sila?!
Ellie : Maaaark!!!! OMG... [insert rant here] Mark : talaga o tapos? Ellie : [Rants some more] Mark : 1, 2, 3, 4, ... , 10 Ellie : ...... Mark wtf anu ginagawa mo?! Mark : Sorry nagbibilang ako eh! Ellie : Hello can't you at least do it in silence and pretend you're actually listening?! Mark : Sorry di ko kaya! O anyway go.. Ellie : [rants some more] Mark : ..... Hoy pakibilang nga tong... Ellie : WTF MARK!!! Focus!!! Can we please focus on me?! I'm telling you something terribly major please focus!!! Mark : Hahahaha... Ellie : [Rants]... Mark : Wait callwait... *beep beep* Uy tawagan kita uli... Ellie : WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!